leftunspoken's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 101 Things I wanna try the 101 thing: 1. I love the rain. 2. I love the sound and the smell and the way it feels. 3. I was on my lunch break at work one day when it began to rain. So I went outside and stood in the drizzle for a little while. A doctor I work with drove up and asked what I was doing. I told him "You know how people always say 'You need to get some sunshine.'? Well you need to get some rain too." He smiled and said I was one of his favorite people. 4. I once dated a multi-millionaire. 5. It only lasted a month and a half. 6. He put new tires, new brakes, and a new windshield on my car within a week of knowing me (without me asking). 7. My friend told me I should have just asked for a whole car, but I'm not greedy. (And I'm sure he wouldn't have bought me a car anyway. I'm cute, but I'm not that good looking.) 8. I've worked as a fast food employee, a waitress, a cocktail waitress, a secretary, an information technologies manager (I fixed computers), a stripper, a coordinator for doctors (Basically I'm a baby-sitter.), and I've done ironing and do massages sometimes for extra money. 9. I always wanted to work at the zoo. 10. I could play with the animals and have hot dogs and snow cones for lunch every day...Mmmm! 11. I guess most of the animals would rather eat me and I'd get sick of hot dogs. (The grass is always greener 'ya know.) 12. My daddy is an honest to goodness cowboy. He was raised on a farm (barefoot, outhouse, little house on the prairie basically). 13. He has raised hogs and cattle, been a butcher, dug ditches, and been a brand inspector during my lifetime, although he had many other jobs before I was born. 14. I am the baby of seven children, but my twin sister and I were born way after the other five. 15. My father is a good man. He has done some terrible things, but he is a good man. 16. My mother is nuts. And not the good kind. 17. She's sweet though, although she's addicted to martyrdom and has always found a way to make me feel guilty and evil for whatever kindness I've received from her. 18. My whole life I have been torn between loving and hating them. 19. It has made my concept of love seriously fucked-up. 20. I stopped talking to my Mother last February and it has been the most at peace I have been in my entire 29 years of life. We did however speak a few words at a funeral and at Christmas. 21. I guess you could say my father has done worse things to me; he has a wicked temper. But as long as he's not mad, he's great. But my mother has with her words and actions always made me feel defective. Somehow it's easier to forgive him. 22. This would probably go a lot faster if I didn't write paragraphs for each number. 23. Although this list thing makes it easier to bring up stuff I normally don't feel like writing about. 24. I adore my sisters. We three are very close. 25. I have four brothers, really like two of them, rarely speak to any of them. 26. I've never, ever smoked a cigarette. 27. This annoys my friends who smoke because I do that scrunch nose, step back, cough dramatically, wave my hand in front of my face thing every time they light up anywhere near me. 28. I have smoked pot, which I guess is hypocritical. But it smells good and never bothered me. 29. I love new pens and new socks. 30. I've fucked up the numbering and had to redo it three times now. 31. I love snails. 32. My parents have a huge front yard and their used to be snails and frogs all over the yard and in the garden after it would rain. 33. Every time one accidentally got stepped on I would ball like a baby. 34. Actually a lot of things make me cry. 35. My mother once found me (three years old) sitting on the kitchen floor petting a mouse that was dead in a trap I found under the sink. 36. My mother let me (two years old) dress myself for Sunday School. She got called to my class when the male teacher discovered I had no panties on. 37. Yeah, I know...Apparently I started the slut thing really early. 38. Just kidding. 39. I once dated a drug dealer. He was half Mexican and half Iraqi. Man he was gorgeous. 40. I like to be spanked. 41. And tied up. 42. But really, I'm just a nice, normal girl I swear. 43. My sister and I once won a city-wide contest to name the city's library mascot (an owl). 44. It was actually my mother that picked the name. 45. Actually I don't think I ever had a science project that my mother didn't do either. You see if I had done it, it wouldn't have been good enough. 46. I once zapped my sister with a cattle prod. Daddy had us moving cattle down a chute and so I had one in my hands, but I don't remember if I was mad at her or if I just wanted to see what would happen. 47. I have my father's temper. (I get irritated easily, I over-react, and then the storm is over and I'm fine and then I don't understand why the person I was snapping at is looking at me with puppy-dog eyes.) 48. But I look like my mother. 49. My twin is just the opposite. 50. Half way there, and I may have to edit this entry tomorrow to finish it. I've got to work. 51. But if you started this, you have to promise to read the rest tomorrow. 52. I can never spell tomorrow. I always look at the m's and the r's and can't decide how many of each there should be. 53. About one year ago, I also lost the ability to correctly choose between "your and you're" and "their, there, and they're". 54. What the fuck is that all about? I'd been doing it just fine since the third grade, and then all of a sudden I noticed I kept using the wrong one. 55. I wanted to be a belly dancer when I was a little girl. 56. I've always wanted to hug a polar bear as hard as I could, just to see what it felt like. 57. I just melt when I see sunrises. I was 18 when I was working fast food, and I worked the grave yard shift. I used to lean out the drive through window and watch the sun come up every morning. 58. I've only seen the ocean twice. This makes me sad. 59. I've never been to Disneyland. 60. I believe there is magic all around us. 61. I am very superstitious. 62. I never remember anyone's name. 63. This is probably part of the reason I call everyone Honey, or Darlin, or Sugar. Although this is also a bad habit I picked up from my folks. 64. I am barefoot whenever possible. 65. Sometimes I wish I lived in the country. 66. And then I think "Nah...I'd get bored." 67. I smell things and people. On purpose. I mean like lots of things. My ex was convinced I was part dog. 68. I can remember the way some of my childhood toys smelled. Like my Stretch Armstrong, and my Barbie perfume maker, and my Barbie house, and my Big Wheel. 69. I have excellent hearing. 70. But I can't see a foot in front of my face without my contacts or glasses. 71. When I was little, I kept hoping that Elliot from Pete's Dragon or Puff from Puff the Magic Dragon would come take me away. I suppose that's why I got the last tattoo.--Now I do have a dragon of my very own. 72. I want to be Mary Poppins. 73. My favorite halloween costume ever was when my mom sewed "church mouse" costumes for me and my twin sister. (We were going to a bazaar at our Christian private school. We were five or six.) 74. I love being in the shower and usually take two a day. I have to argue with myself to get me out. 75. I love to look up at the stars, but the only constellation I can ever find is the dipper. (I don't know if it's the big one or the little one.) 76. I want a two-story house. Partly so I can have sex on the stairs and partly so I can sit on them. 77. Maybe it's because I like to sit high-up on things. Like at my old apartment I had a bar separating the kitchen and dining room and I used to sit on it all the time. 78. Maybe it's because I'm little: 5'1". 79. I love swings. Especially porch ones and tire ones. 80. I saw the top of a rainbow one time from a plane. 81. I like the take off and the landing but I'm not all that fond of flying. 82. I've had two different pets who just appeared at my door step. The rest of them were usually rejects from the pet store where my sister and ex-boyfriend used to work. 83. My sister rode my father's rodeo horse, so I always rode different horses that he would buy to sell for more money after they were a little better trained. My favorite was a tall, brilliant bay. His name was Sweetness. My Daddy called him Skeeter. He adored me. I know he did. I loved all my horses, but he loved me. 84. I always have to concentrate not to swerve when there is a bag in the road. I always think "What if there's kitties or puppies or bunnies in it?" I heard/read a comedian say something about that and I thought "Oh my gosh, I'm not the only one!" 85. In high school I loved Algebra, but I flunked Geometry with a 32. 86. I went to my ten year reunion. (Something I never thought I'd do.) All the assholes were still assholes. Most of the just normal people were even nicer. And most of the nerds and dorks are looking and doing amazing. It was very reassuring. 87. I love to make lists. 88. I love to read quotes. 89. I write really bad poetry. 90. I also write letters to my friends and lovers and sisters. Sometimes I just think about things...Like how I've always admired a person's courage or creativity or I'm grateful for this or that they've done and been for me. And I feel like if I don't tell them, then what's the point. You should always tell people how you feel. It sounds cliche, but things become cliche because they're true: If you don't take the chance to tell someone how much you love them, you may never get another chance. 91. I love birds. I watch them anytime I'm near a window. 92. I hate horror movies. I'll watch a few of them, but ughh, they make me a nervous wreck. 93. I dig firemen...Mmmm! 94. My oldest brother accidentally kicked me in the mouth and knocked out one of my baby teeth. 95. I have mild body dismorphic disorder, panic attacks, I'm occasionally suicidal, and I'm a cutter. 96. I'm working on it, but I suck at asking for help, so it's not going very well. 97. Other than that...I'm a really happy girl. People call me bubbly even. 98. I love to paint, but have absolutely no talent, so I have resigned myself to painting things. (Like furniture, birdhouses, etc.) 99. I love to sleep. Just absolutely love it. 100. When I was little I had an on-going dream that I had like once a week or so. (Like a soap-opera almost.) It involved my entire family living in the belly of a whale. We were all kind of treading water, and it was decorated and everything. And each dream something new would happen. I think perhaps I'd heard the story of Jonah one too many times at Sunday School. I've asked other people if they've ever had serial dreams, but as yet I haven't found anyone else. 101. I want to keep going, but I need to work. This was a blast, you should try it. I said things that I hadn't yet had the courage to say even in this diary. 8:06 a.m. - January 30, 2003 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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