leftunspoken's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Oh, and my headache is gone. I saw Dokk last night. I was leaving the gym and I called and asked if he could come out and play. I actually didn't want to play. Sometimes it sucks living alone...and more than anything, I wanted to be near someone, anyone. That's not to say I was settling for his company. He is my absolute favorite someone to be around besides Sam. And that's because she is sooo much of me that when she's near I'm not 'with someone' I'm just whole. It hurts a little to be with Dokk. I can't be with him and not play "what if?" over and over in my head. (A dangerous game in case you weren't aware...Russian Roulette with less blood-shed but equal chance of willingly hurting yourself.) I deal with it better now than I once did. I had stopped talking to him all together at one point. I just couldn't take it anymore. But then he reappeared. And I was stronger and had never stopped missing him so I chose to accept the joy that he brings even when it causes pain. So he's concrete now...sandpaper surface and cracked, but solid and strong. And he holds me up like a good friend should. And he knows me deeply. And I needed him badly last night. I got more than I bargained for. Much more than I probably needed. But we don't always know what's good for us, do we? It was powerful and healing. It was transcendent. You know how sometimes everything is just perfect? I don't mean the setting so much as I mean frame of mind. But all of it I guess. In all the awful, distracting, painful world...you find this little window of time and space where you are only you at that moment. You aren't your history, or your hang-ups, or your flaws, or your fears. You aren't looking back or ahead. For a time you are perfect. You are joy and pleasure and love incarnate. I forget and so it surprises me each time how deeply healing sex can be. It's not always like that though. It can also damage and destroy. More often than not I think. But I won't think about that right now. For now I will feel cherished and needed and beautiful. I will be bruised and sore and love every delicious second of it. 8:27 a.m. - January 22, 2003 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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