leftunspoken's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- bad and good and bad and good and... I did not have a good yesterday. My thoughts wouldn't stop spinning, which destroys my focus. Like a cat in a clothes dryer. I had two meltdowns at work. Or as my father would say: "I came untrained." Tony tried to help. He meant well I know, but the last thing I need when I think the sky is falling is for someone to tell me everything is fine. You can gradually convince me that the sky is still intact, but it generally works better if you first tell me how sorry you are that this is happening, and how I'm right--it really does suck, and then you hold my hand and we go look at the sky together and you mention how we haven't yet been struck by any pieces of it so maybe it'll stay up, and then you suggest that it might--just might--be ok. See, I really do know what I need. I just never get it. And to all those people that say you must meet your own needs, be your own best friend and all -- Fuck you really hard. I survived work mostly and it had rained in the late afternoon. So driving home their was a beautiful gray-blue sky with purple clouds, against which a sunset had begun to bleed, and the fattest, most completely vertical rainbow I have ever seen. And the rainbow was behind the refinery which doesn't sound at all lovely until you know that the refinery is covered in tiny, sparkly, white lights that make it look like a metal castle blowing lavender cotton-candy smoke into the sky. Thank you God for sunsets and for rainbows and for eyes that see magic in a common place. Forgive me for my arrogance. I am only a little shimmer in a heaven satiated with stars. If the sky falls I won't mind...I'll watch. I spent the remainder of my evening searching for equilibrium, tilting wildly between panic and pain, and wonder and gratitude. I dragged Dokk into my quest too...a foolish, childish act for which I'll pay. I once believed pain and pleasure were a balance, I'm beginning to think they're the same thing. 9:13 a.m. - February 14, 2003 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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