leftunspoken's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The deal of the cards When one has gotten what one wanted, but only after they'd decided they didn't want it anymore, and in fact very much wanted something else entirely...what does one do? Which all sounds rather Through the Looking Glass, but is really very mundane. Or at least systems-ordinary here. I was quite sure and still am that it's not what I want anymore. But when it's right in front of you or more specifically when it's licking your thighs, what do you do? It...he didn't start out licking my thighs. At first it was another goodbye. (To be added neat-and-tidy to the last one.) That's what he said when he walked through the door. I should have expected additional goodbyes. I always forget they come back. After I've had my few days of mourning and am once again tied in pink and blue ribbons. They ALWAYS return. Mumbling things about my being special or different, and sniffing me as if I were a safe place. But then there were little catches in his voices, tears, questions of belief and faith and honor and being true to oneself. And when woken up by a knock at the door at almost 4 a.m. for goodbyes and discussions of life philosophies, it almost always leads to tongues. Sure it starts out as comfort and there,there and two souls sharing their thoughts on the divine plan of the universe...but it can go almost nowhere else but tongues. So then there it was. And it was still only that and nothing more. And it wasn't what I intended. (As I had dreamily intended other mouths.) But it was. And it was meant to be there...in my path...in my realm of possibilities. Perhaps a test of the courage of my convictions. Perhaps a distraction meant to nudge me off the wrong path. Perhaps a sign of more to come. Or maybe it meant nothing. What is that lovely phrase about sound and fury?...like that maybe. And I haven't a clue now. Because I've nothing to fret over. Nothing to want. What I wanted (second not first) is likely no longer an option. What I wanted first is back, but with no certainty no promise of even another goodbye. So I'm adrift. And uncertain. Perhaps I haven't slept enough. I was licked thoroughly which is nice. But however bracing, never makes up for being woken too long ago for a day that won't end till much later. Forecast my future. Tell me what to want. Because I'm not sure what to do with myself without an obsession in sight. 8:48 a.m. - November 20, 2003 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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