leftunspoken's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Fear of water I lifted my head for a second. Made vague plans and believed in changes. I didn't realize how quickly the water would get cold and thick, sucking me down toward lethargy and all that which is the same. I'm slapping at futility, and the water fills my mouth and my ears with panic. And it's my fault. You're not supposed to panic. You're supposed to just relax so you can float. Isn't that what they teach you at the Y? Guppies and starfish and all of us kicking in unison? But "what if I accidentally stay" fills my head. I'm afraid of myself. Afraid I'll lose the disgust and anger that pulled my attention from the water in the first place. Afraid I'll give up and become dissatisfied frozen again. I can't let that happen. Can't stop kicking. Can't drown. 10:45 a.m. - June 15, 2004 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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