leftunspoken's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- night-blooming jasmine and blowing goodbye kisses I am so far from being anything anybody wanted that apparently I've ceased to exist entirely. You could've told me, really. It would've been gentler in the end. And there's so little to say about any of it, that I've given up believing that there is a response to such discoveries. I'm quite certain now that the only appropriate response (as opposed to say kicking and screaming or arguing one's worth) is curling up as small as possible so as not to be in anyone's way and limiting one's intake of oxygen to the bare minimum. When I was very little, nobody told me that one day I would mean nothing. That there wouldn't be anyone who wanted or needed me. (Because a parade of people who only want one thing or another for a very little while and think I'm terribly strange during their stay, are the same as no one.) 30 years is long enough to wait, wouldn't you say. What's that stupid country song say "...you have to know when to fold them...know when to walk away, know when to run..." Ah well, time to fold I think and time to run. Not to a where or even a new. Because as much as those sounded lovely a bit ago, they seem so pointless now. Tall strangers in dark glasses stole the last breath of hope I had in me. And really we can't blame them. They thought they were invited. My insecurities and denials and surrenders look so often like embossed invitations. Don't hate them on my behalf. Wish them well...they suffer too, but for all the right reasons. Unlike me. God bless us every one. Shine on. Light the world. Hold hands. I gotta go. Love to love you, ML 9:08 a.m. - July 06, 2004 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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