leftunspoken's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Crisis of Identity So there was this vacation-type thing, but it wasn't very vacationy. It was basically a brief leave from my computer (and therefore my email, diary, and the internet - sole source of news,) my morning coffee, and my obligation to answer the phone in a cheerful sounding voice. And I've begun working nights again, so it really wasn't much freedom at all from Work. It was just an opportunity to utterly screw my sense of time and days, and trash my apartment. The extra opportunities for sleep (at odd hours because of the night job) doing nothing but increasing my slothful and antisocial tendencies. So now nothing is clean and I'm still tired. And more than a little lost. A friend left for CA. And he was one of my compass people. One of my measures of where and who I am. You need those. And they're hard to come by. I sobbed a few painful breaths the other night driving home from returning a movie because I don't know who I am. I've forgotten. The absence of contact during my little vacation having left me a bit hollow and spinning. But I couldn't even find the energy to manage a good cry about it. Just a few choked sobs and then the blank black haze that has lingered the past two weeks. Sad really. Without people holding mirrors I have no sense of self. Maybe it's not as bad as all that, but it's near. Even what identity I know deeply is only known in the opportunities I have to reveal it in fragments to someone trusted or argue it with someone mistaken. When nobody is asking I haven't a clue. So who am I? I've forgotten while I slept during the day. 4:10 p.m. - September 01, 2004 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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