leftunspoken's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- my underwater You think there should be a sound. You sit looking down at the blood that trickles from the dark torn place where your heart was beating only seconds ago, and you think there should be a sound. Instead there is silence and smoke. The world is smudged. Ashes cover your fingers, and you touch, and where you touch everything is gray now. Instead there is no air. You turn your head side to side and you gasp, but the air is gone...It was here just a second ago. The sounds return, but are muffled. You're underwater now. But not the good kind. You are moving now; you are grace. But not the good kind. And somewhere dark you sit, legs curled on your chair, peeking over the balcony watching your hands move and your steps. But you're just watching because there is no such thing as control. They didn't tell you that did they? And you watch the blood appear like a magic trick on your skin and you stir a little in your chair and you wonder what stings. And you didn't mean to turn everything gray, but you couldn't help it. You just wanted to touch it. You just wanted to hold it. You thought it would be pretty in your hands too, but now it's ruined and you didn't mean it. Someone proud and angry inside you says it wasn't your fault. In fact, it insists, it was his fault and you didn't deserve any of it. But you argue because it's always your fault...you learned that lesson a very long time ago. But you wonder just a little anyway. And what is worse than all of this, what you know deeply, is that he didn't even flinch. And there's a sucking sound. And it's you. You've found the air. But it burns your throat and your chest. And you hate yourself for swallowing it. Because really it'd be easier to stop. Just so much easier. And you hate yourself for going on. Because it doesn't feel strong it feels foolish. 8:55 a.m. - March 17, 2003 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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