leftunspoken's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- - What a change in a few hours. Though that's my norm. I started this morning to write of the sweetness of life. How lovely it is. And it is still. But it hurts so much sometimes. I don't understand. The break? The spin from smiling up at the sky to sobbing at my desk? ... His voice. Same beautiful growly voice. Same response from me, breath held, smiling just to hear him. But not good cheer and calling me baby and saying he misses me too. Instead a sarcastic "whatever" in response to my "I miss you." Dismissive and distant as soon as I said I couldn't get away from work for lunch. Said he had other calls to make and he'd call back which I don't believe anymore. Then goodbye and click. Him quite certainly never hearing the tears already rolling down my cheeks. And the worst of it is I don't understand. Why he doesn't want me. Or maybe why sometimes he does. If I tell him he hurts me, he says it's my fault. Says he's only kidding. Says I'm too sensitive. And then when I get ready to give up (I mean I have nothing to lose anyway) he says words that stop me. Just when I'm tired of it, he calls and he is someone else. This man that wants me, and says sweet things in a singsong, and doesn't hurt me. I'm so confused. And I'm so tired of waiting. And life is sweet and I'm grateful, but god it hurts. 12:02 p.m. - March 02, 2004 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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