leftunspoken's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Stupid, stupid girl This isn't supposed to hurt so much. The pre-period utter lack of estrogen probably not making it any easier. I feel like someone sucked all the air out of my lungs and replaced it with smoke. I can't breathe. I can't sob. I can't speak. I'm just tredding water. Focusing on the next minute. Making little gasping noises and wiping at tears that periodically run down my cheeks. Little birds trapped in my chest and throat, fluttering angrily. God, this hurts. And I'm angry. I really am. At God. At life. I don't want to be philosophical right now. I want to take the little book of things I believe (life is beautiful even when painful, everything happens for a reason, sometimes even the people you really love are only around for just a little while - long enough for you to change one another) and fling it into the fucking wall. I begged for this one. Begged. Pleaded daddy-can-I-keep-him. I feel so stupid. And wrong. And fine, whatever...What did I really lose? Nothing. Hope, maybe. Pride. I never slept with him. I didn't surrender any other possibilities for him. I just adored him while he occupied my world. So why should I mourn what could and probably should be considered just part of my journey? Love is such an awful contest. And I'm left wondering: If he'd ever seen all of me, would he have stayed. If he had known me completely, and he left anyway, how much worse would that have been. And all of this is foolish. And most of me knows it. I BELIEVE. I do. I believe that everying, everything, everything happens because it's supposed to. So the suffering over spilt milk...self-indulgent bullshit. The equivalent of kicking and screaming because the sun rises and sets. But my pride and my heart are feeling decidedly squashed. Sing-songing why, why, why didn't he want me. Stupid girl. Someone brilliant said: "Things that love night, love not such nights as these." Amen, brother. 11:08 a.m. - March 25, 2004 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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